BY LAWRENCE LEE

November 9, 2007
written for Out of the Hat 10
Renegade Comedy Theatre
Duluth, Minnesota

WHO: the most annoying person in the world
WHAT: WW II flyboy goggles
WHERE: Red Star Lounge
COMMON TITLE: Like, Whatever

CAST:
VOICE – announcer, offstage voice
SEYMOUR – DCB blogger, serious and angry
LAKE – PDD blogger, light hearted and goofy

LIGHTS UP

VOICE Red Star Lounge is proud to present the grudge match of the new millennium, the battle of the blogs! In this corner, wearing red, white and blue, representing the now defunct Duluth Citizen’s Blog, please welcome - Seymour Butz!

SEYMOUR (comes forward pumping fists in the air)

VOICE And in this corner wearing a Homegrown (or Low, or PDD) t-shirt, representing Perfect Duluth Day, let’s hear it for - Lake Effect!

LAKE (waves at the crowd)

VOICE Alright, the contestants are reminded, no haxxor moves or unnecessary leet speak. When the whistle blows I want you to come out blogging. On your marks… get set… blog! (SFX – whistle)

SEYMOUR (starts circling LAKE like a wrestler) This city is going down the toilet! We got gangbangers from Chicago coming here to bang their gangs because they can bang gangs here better than they can bang gangs there!

LAKE (is circling also) Hey! Have you seen my latest picture of a sunrise over Lake Superior? Here you go! (holds out a picture)

SEYMOUR Filthy liberals! Always shoving your free love, panty waist, Marxist ideologies on us!

LAKE Hey! There’s a Trampled by Turtles concert tonight at the Looch! It should effing rock! If you haven’t been you should totally go. Last month I went and drank and danced until I threw up. (turns head sideways and makes a frown.)

VOICE (SFX – whistle) Illegal emoticon! Round 1 goes to Seymour Butz! Okay, get ready for round 2. Ready? Blog!

LAKE (holds out a photo) It’s a picture of my dog! He’s sleeping! Isn’t he cute?

SEYMOUR Why do you hate America?!

LAKE I went down to Hell’s Kitchen with a bunch of friends, and it was pretty cool, except we had to wait for our food forever, and when we got it the fries were cold, and the bloody marys were kind of weak, and they didn’t have any vegan options.

SEYMOUR We live in the People’s Republic of Duluth ruled by a pinko fascist oligarchy! Hold onto your wallets, folks!

LAKE (counting out syllables) Haiku contest time! Didn’t we do that last month? Let’s do it again!

SEYMOUR Duluth has no future! The crazy people are in charge! They’ll take away our guns and make us drive hybrids and shop at the Whole Foods Coop! We’re doomed!

LAKE I like Donny Ness. I know his brother Jamie. Jamie is a musician. Musicians are cool. I like Donny Ness.

SEYMOUR Aquarium fiasco! Tossing good money after bad. And in the meantime, businesses are closing all around us and the prices just keep going up up up! It’s the aquarium’s fault!

LAKE I want to sell my couch and my playstation and my lava lamp. Any takers?

SEYMOUR Global warming is a vast left wing conspiracy to fool us into thinking that Duluth might actually be warm someday!

LAKE I’ve got a bowling ball named Earl… and he’s running for city council!

SEYMOUR Duluth News Tribune? Ha! They should call it the (makes airquotes) “Don Ness Toadies.”

VOICE (SFX – whistle) Foul on Seymour Butz! Illegal use of quotation marks! Post will be stricken. Round 2 goes to Lake Effect. Now time for the multimedia round. Ready? Blog!

LAKE (holds out a photo) Here’s another picture of my dog! He’s wearing World War Two flying goggles! Isn’t he cute?

SEYMOUR (mutters) I can’t do pictures.

LAKE YouTube video of some Japanese people who can’t speak English any better than we can speak Japanese! Aren’t they funny?

SEYMOUR (mutters) I can’t do videos.

LAKE Here’s a link to my flickr site where I have pictures of my car that I dressed up like Bozo the Clown for the Spirit Valley parade!

SEYMOUR I can’t even link!

LAKE Here’s a banner I made for the blog. We’re drinking a lot and playing kickball out on the lake when it was frozen and I slipped and broke my arm!

SEYMOUR Look, we got an eagle and a flag! What more do you want? Why do you hate America?

VOICE (SFX – whistles) Multimedia round goes to Lake Effect.

SEYMOUR Commie.

VOICE For our next round we move into the lightning blog round. Only one or two word blog entries. Ready? Blog!

SEYMOUR Taxes!

LAKE Art opening!

SEYMOUR Anti-business!

LAKE Geek Prom!

SEYMOUR Irresponsible!

LAKE Cute anecdote!

SEYMOUR School board!

LAKE Antidisestablishmentarianism!

SEYMOUR (a take) What?

LAKE (shrugs) I just like the word.

VOICE (SFX – whistle) Round goes to Seymour Butz because Lake Effect was being a smartass show off. Final round is for closing statements. Make your best argument as to why you are the better blog! Ready? Blog!

SEYMOUR I stand for fairplay, the marketplace, and the American way! I am all about good, no nonsense free speech without the capricious use of quotation marks! I am fair and balanced, just like Fox News! I am serious about making Duluth a better place to live by criticizing everyone in power and not offering up any alternate solutions. And, most importantly, I am not the most annoying person in the world!

LAKE (a pause and looks at SEYMOUR to make sure SEYMOUR’s finished) I am the most annoying person in the world! (starts dancing around SEYMOUR making faces and acting silly, taunting like a sibling, music up)

VOICE And that concludes our battle of the blogs!