« Like, Whatever | Main | Katie & Martin »

Kiss Me? Please...

burundi_ants.jpgHere's my second Out of the Hat script for this go around. While I think it's a pretty funny script it's definitely one of my more philosophical scripts, but the prompts just sort of directed me that way. Can't help it, can I? I mean, if your prompts were an ant hill, a Dunkin' Donut, and Bruce Lee, wouldn't you get all philosophical too?

You wouldn't?

Maybe it's just me then...


November 10, 2007
written for Out of the Hat 10
Renegade Comedy Theatre
Duluth, Minnesota

WHO: Bruce Lee
WHAT: A Dunkin’ Donut
WHERE: An Ant Hill
COMMON TITLE: Kiss Me, Please

ANN – an office worker
TONI – Ann’s coworker and friend

Pack of cigarettes
Bottle of bubbles
A few donuts

LIGHTS UP ANN is sitting on a building ledge, smoking a cigarette. There may be a bottle of soap bubbles nearby. She also has a donut or two.

TONI (opens window and looks back and forth to see ANN seated a few feet away from her) Ann! What are you doing out here?

ANN Taking a break. (takes a long drag on her cigarette)

TONI Why are you taking a break up here on the ledge of the twenty first story?

ANN Twenty second.

TONI What?

ANN We’re on the twenty second story. You’re forgetting the mezzanine.

TONI I’m… what?

ANN Yeah, when you enter, down there, you’d think it’s the first floor, but they don’t call it the first floor. They call it the “mezzanine.” The first floor, or what they call the first floor, is the floor above the mezzanine, so really, the first floor is the second floor and the second floor is the third floor and so on and therefore we’re twenty two stories up.

TONI What does that matter? What are you doing out here?

ANN What does it matter? Did you know that NASA lost a mission to Mars a couple years ago? The little robot guy was just riding along and then burned up in the atmosphere. You know why? Someone forgot to convert inches to centimeters. Screwed everything up. I mean, look. (holds up fingers indicating an inch and a centimeter) That’s an inch, that’s a centimeter. It’s close. Who cares? What does it matter? Ask the toasted martian robot.

TONI What does that have to do with you being out here on the ledge? Why are you here?

ANN I told you, I’m taking a break. Eating a donut. Having a smoke.

TONI Why can’t you take your break in the break room with everyone else? The splat factor is significantly less in the break room.

ANN Can’t smoke in the break room any more.

TONI Yes, but…

ANN Can’t smoke outside on the sidewalk off the mezzanine anymore either. Besides, I like it out here. Gives the mind perspective. And I like blowing bubbles.

TONI What?

ANN Try it. It’s fascinating. Blow the bubbles and then watch them drift down and land on the sidewalk, if they make it that far, or on the heads of the little people on their way from here to there. It’s better if you’re smoking you know.

TONI What do you mean? How’s it better if you’re smoking?

ANN Well, you blow smoke into the bubble and the then little smoke filled bubble drifts down and when it lands – poof! A little puff of smoke. You should see them jump! No one expects a cute little bubble to go poof!

TONI Look, Ann, Sylvia is seriously worried…

ANN Worried?

TONI Upset. She’s upset that you’ve been missing on break for over a half an hour now. Do you want to lose your job?

ANN (laughs) “Lose” my job? “Hey, where’s my job?” “I don’t know, it was right here. Where did you last see it?” “I don’t know. Maybe I should check the couch.” How does one “lose” a job?

TONI You know perfectly well what I mean. Do you want to be fired? Terminated? Eighty sixed? Canned?

ANN You know what, I just realized, you’re right…

TONI Thank God. Please come back in.

ANN We are twenty one stories up. You know why? There’s no thirteenth floor in this building. I mean there is a thirteenth floor, but they don’t call it the thirteenth floor, they call it the fourteenth floor. But actually, because of the mezzanine, the twelfth floor is the thirteenth floor. So because of the mezzanine and the mysteriously missing thirteenth floor, we actually are on the twenty first floor.

TONI You’ve gone insane. Ann, please… I’m scared for you. You’re scaring me.

ANN Look down there, Toni. What do you see?

TONI A long fall and a hard surface?

ANN Ants. People from up here look like ants, Toni. We don’t only look like ants; we act like ants. We’re all running around our anthill and we collect our crumbs (starts breaking off bits off her donut and tosses them down) here and there and over there. And we bring them home to our queen ant and get patted on our heads or get kissed on the cheek and then we’re sent out to collect more crumbs, and get more pats and more kisses. Do you think I want the queen ant to kiss me? Please…

TONI Please, Ann, don’t kill yourself.

ANN Kill myself? What are you talking about?

TONI Why else are you out here talking crazy like this? Just come inside so we can talk about this calmly…

ANN You may not have noticed, but I’m talking pretty calmly right here. It’s you who seems upset. Why don’t you come out here and we can talk about it.

TONI You want me to come out there?

ANN Sure, the fresh air will do you good. Want a smoke? A Dunkin’ Donut? Bubbles?

TONI (hesitantly comes out and sits on the ledge) I’ll have a donut… I guess.

ANN Good choice. One of nature’s most perfect foods. No wonder the ants covet them so much. A torus of fat and sugar and yeast and dough. You ever think about the donut hole? It’s this useless space in the middle which the donut revolves around but it isn’t, in and of itself, and yet it’s intrinsic to the donut. When the donut disappears you could say the hole disappears, but the hole didn’t exist to begin with, so where does it go?

TONI You really have gone mad. Look, Sylvia will understand if you need a little time off. Why don’t we go in there…

ANN And you can bring your little crumb in and get a pat on the head, kiss on the cheek? I’m not your crumb, Toni.

TONI That’s not what I meant. Ann, you’re scaring me. I think you need help. This isn’t like you.

ANN In the Tao te Ching Lao Tzu said that the useful part of the cup was not the vessel itself, but the space within. Like the space inside the donut. It’s the space within and between that defines us. Did you know that Bruce Lee was a student of philosophy at the University of Washington?

TONI You mean (does martial arts move) Bruce Lee Bruce Lee?

ANN Yeah, that Bruce Lee. He said to be like water. He said if you put water in the cup it becomes the cup. You put water into a bottle; it becomes the bottle.

TONI You’re kidding. He said that?

ANN Not kidding. Wikipedia at three in the morning is a wonderful thing. Water in the cup. Smoke in the bubble. Same thing.

TONI Huh. So if you want to be the water and not the ant, what are you going to do now?

ANN (puts out her cigarette on the ledge) I think I should go back to my job. (puts the pack of cigarettes in her pocket and makes to go)

TONI Really? After all that? After the donuts and the ants and the smoke and the bubbles and the cup and the water and the mezzanine and the thirteenth floor, you are just going to go back in there to your desk and to Sylvia?

ANN Yep. It’s my cup… for the moment at least until I’m poured into something else. (moves over TONI to get to the window) But maybe you need to take a break for a while… and keep an eye on the ants for me. (takes the pack of cigarettes out of her pocket and places them on the ledge)

TONI (picks up the pack of cigarettes) Yeah, maybe I’ll just do that.



One of your actresses will hate you.

But I really like it.

Of course.

I love this! LOVE it! And the dialogue is perfect! The characters seem real, and not a pretentious device. Lovely!

i'm waiting to be surprised

I loved it!

Bruce lee said that?

He sure did. At least, according to Wikipedia.

Post a comment