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Campbell of the Mounties and the Maple Syrup Plot

craig-mountie.gifI decided after the good response my last two Out of the Hat scripts got I'd put my previous scripts up here just for fun.

This is my first Out of the Hat script and it was written for the second Out of the Hat in December of 2003. My prompts were:

Who: A Canadian Mountie
What: The Shrinking Machine from "Honey I Shrunk the Kids"
Where: Beach
Cast: 1 Man, 1 Woman

Well, this was my first attempt, and it shows. It was far too ambitious for a script people only had 1 day to work on, but it is still a fun read. Enjoy!

Campbell of the Mounties and the Maple Syrup Plot
by Lawrence Lee
December, 2003

Man - Tour Guide, Reginald Campbell, Arnold Schwarzenegger
Woman - Thief, Border Guard, Star Banner

Scene 1

(museum interior, a stand in the middle with a bottle with a black cloth draped over it)

Tour Guide: (enters from audience, to audience) And we're walking, we're walking, we're walking, stop. Here is the last exhibit on our tour of the Canadian Heritage Museum, eh. This is the last known bottle of John McIntosh's famous batch of 1954 maple syrup, known world wide for its extraordinary purity. It is rated by the Canadian Maple Syrup Board as being 100% pure which gives it certain special qualities. Please put on your protective glasses. (puts on glasses and uncovers case with one bottle of maple syrup) The syrup is of such unsurpassed quality that anyone looking at it unaided could actually be blinded. Canadian Maple Syrup scientists are still discerning its special properties. (recovers syrup) It's been a real pleasure to be your tour guide. Now, if you'll follow me, we'll finish the tour at the Canadian Heritage gift shop where you can purchase Bachman Turner Overdrive albums and autographed photos of William Shatner.

(change of lighting to show museum closing)

Thief: (enters in black clothes and ski mask, rolling, dodging, doing acrobatics as if to avoid security system; takes maple syrup bottle)

Reginald: (enters, change of light as if switching on lights) G'day, sir or ma'am. I'm afraid the museum is closed and the last tour is over. You'll find the ski lift is outside.

Thief: (makes threatening martial arts moves around Reginald, clearly ready to fight) Hi-ya! Ya! Yahhh! Hooo-ya!

Reginald: (looks puzzled)

Thief: (unsure) Yah?

Reginald: (suddenly looking as if he understands, in broken French) Je ne parles pas francais. Pardonez moi, s'il vous plait.

Thief: (looks at Reginald up and down, shrugs shoulders and exits)

Reginald: (rolls eyes good-naturedly and strolls over to stand where syrup bottle was) Oh my goodness! Good golly! (blows whistle) Stop! Thief! (exits, knees up running)

(lights down)

Scene 2

(lights up on border post, line drawn down middle of stage maybe, sign with "USA" on one side, "Canada" on other, flags if we have them)

Border Cop: (on stage as lights up, chewing gum)

Reginald: (enters on Canadian side knees up running, panting)

Border Cop: (tough, waves down Reginald) Whoa, stop, hold on! (grabs Reginald by collar)

Reginald: (runs in place for awhile, realizes he's not getting anywhere and stops, stares at Border Cop) Greetings valued law enforcement officer of our friendly neighbor to the south! What service may I render you?

Border Cop: Name?

Reginald: Sergeant Reginald Campbell of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police!

Border Cop: Mountie, eh? (looks under Reginald) Where's your horse, Reggie?

Reginald: (snaps fingers) I knew I forgot something.

Border Cop: (shaking head) Reason for visiting.

Reginald: (chest out, dramatically) I am in hot pursuit of a maple syrup thief!

Border Cop: (stares a beat) Uh huh. Well I'm sorry, Mr., uh, Campbell, but you have no jurisdiction here. That's the way it works, over there you can chase anyone you want, but over here, we do the chasing. (leans over line, smiles, thumbs up, and nods "yes," leans back over line and frowns, thumbs down, and shakes head "no," repeats several times)

Reginald: (exasperated, but polite) Valued colleague! I understand your need for territorial integrity and we always work in cooperation with our friends to the south, but a scoundrel has absconded with a rare and valuable piece of our Canadian heritage and I must make every effort to retrieve it!

Border Cop: (shrugs) Well, you can fill out a seventy-nine J stroke seven (hands Reginald a form) and I'll send this on to the appropriate authorities, but I can't permit you to...

(phone rings)

Border Cop: (picks up phone from behind sign) Hello? Yeah. Yeah. Oh. Sure. Hold on. (puts hand over receiver) It's for you. Look, I need to go use the little American's room. Promise not to (mimes knees up running) over the border while I'm gone?

Reginald: (salutes) Mountie's honor.

Border Cop: (gives Reginald phone) I suppose that'll have to do. (exits)

Reginald: Sergeant Reginald Campbell of the Royal Canadian Mounted Police speaking! (look of astonishment) Prime Minister! (stands at attention) Yes, Prime Minister! I was in pursuit of the thief and... You have? You've tracked the thief to an evil mastermind's secret island base off the coast of California? You want me to infiltrate the base and discover their plan? I will be meeting an American secret agent to take me there?

Star: (enters, rolling shoulders and hips seductively, looking like a Bond girl in too tight outfit, perhaps with red, white and blue motif) Hello, Sergeant Campbell.

Reginald: I won't let you down, Prime Minister. (hangs up phone)

Star: I'm Agent Banner... Star Spangled Banner. I will be your liaison during your investigation. I'm here to serve your every need.

Reginald: (nervously) Okay, Agent Banner. Well, first we need to get to the evil mastermind's secret base off the coast of California. Any ideas?

Star: (breathy and seductive) Well, I'd suggest we strap ourselves into the jet packs I have hidden in those bushes over there.

Reginald: Jet packs!? Neato! And we'll take those to the secret base?

Star: No, we'll take those to our secret coastal lair where we'll get into my one-man sub.

Reginald: One-man sub? Don't you have a (gulp) two-man sub?

Star: (close to Reginald) Budget cuts. We'll have to (squeezes Reginald) squeeze.

(lights down)

Scene 3

(lights up on secret base, exterior)

Star: (sneaks in, scouting the scene, waves off stage) (sotto voice) C'mon Reggie!

Reginald: (sneaks in a way reminiscent of his knees up running, knees up sneaking?)

Star: (smiles) Reggie, you're so limber.

Reginald: Ahem. Miss Banner, as a fellow law enforcement officer, you will understand the need to model decency in character and moral fiber in the execution of our duties. I think that after that submarine ride it would be appropriate for you to meet my mother.

Star: (ignoring him) I count five guards on the ground and two on the tower.

Reginald: You could come over for dinner this Sunday.

Star: They have submachine guns... there appear to be three guard dogs as well.

Reginald: We usually have a nice pot roast. Don't be nervous. I'm sure mom will love you. What do you say?

Star: Stun grenades on the count of three. You take the tower. (mouths "one, two, three")

Reginald and Star: (throw grenades)

(sound of explosion)

Star: (checking to see if the coast is clear) Let's go. (exits)

Reginald: (smiles) I like a lass with pluck. (exits, knees up running)

(lights down)

Scene 4

(lights up on secret base, interior)

Star: (struggles in shackles, strapped to rack) You monster! You'll never get away with this!

Arnold: (enters, with thick Arnold Schwarzenegger accent) I already haff. Soon it will be hasta la vista time, baby.

Star: You fiend! I never should have voted for you!

Arnold: As Gub'nor I work for the greater glory of California. Now, ver is your little friend?

Star: Uh, I work alone.

Arnold: (diabolical laughter) Leave the bad acting to me, Agent Banner. I know the Mounties sent someone after me. He's here somewhere.

Star: You'll never get Reggie! He'll stop you!

Arnold: Brave words! But already our satellites are in place. All I needed was the syrup. It is ironic that this bottle will be Canada's undoing. You see, Miss Banner, California is suffering from (menacingly) a budget deficit.

Star: (rolls eyes) So, I've heard.

Arnold: We need to promote more tourism to bring in more money. We have everything - mountains, forests, beaches! And yet our 1,114 mile coastline is mocked by Canada's 6,213 kilometer coast. They even make it worse by their intolerable metric system. They task us and they shall pay! When I place this bottle of super rarified maple syrup into the shrink ray I will shrink all of Canada. Today Canada. Tomorrow the world! California uber alles! (exits behind rack, brandishing syrup bottle)

Star: (thrashing on rack) No! You Nazi! You won't get away with this!

Reginald: (emerging from other side of the rack) Governor Schwarzenegger! You are under arrest! Come peacefully. There's no need for innocent people to suffer. (goes behind rack as if to arrest Arnold)

Star: Reggie! You survived the shark-infested pool and the heat ray! We have to stop him!

Arnold: (emerging from other side of rack) No need for innocents to suffer? Obviously you've never seen my films. (moves behind rack as if to attack Reginald, sounds of a scuffle behind rack)

Star: Oh Reggie! Be careful! He's going to use that ray gun to shrink Canada!

Reginald: (emerging head only with his own hands around his neck) Don't worry, Star! We Mounties are trained to handle bad Austrian actors turned despotic tyrannical evil masterminds! Argh!

Arnold: (from behind rack) Now you will die for the fatherland! Let the Anschluss begin!

Reginald: (from behind rack) Not today, Governor!

(sound of ray gun)

Reginald: (emerging from behind rack, starts to release Star) Let us leave this unpleasant place, Miss Banner.

Star: Reggie! You're safe! (looking behind rack) But where's Governor Schwarzenegger?

Reginald: He got a taste of his own medicine, Star. (pats pocket) We Mounties always get our man! (looks into pocket)

Arnold: (ventriloquist voice) I'll be back!

Star: My hero!

Reginald and Star: (strike dramatic pose)

(lights out, end)


This is extremely funny. Where do I get permission to include this in our small theatre groups show. We do a show once a month with music, song, and skits, and this is Hilariously Funny. Thanks for the laugh ... it was great.


Thank you for your kind words and interest! All my works on this site are under a Creative Commons License and may be used with proper attribution and as long as you don't profit from the work. Please give citation to me and this site and I will be very happy. Also, I wouldn't mind getting a copy of the program through the mail. I like to know where my works are being performed.

::smiles:: Okay, not as polished as the later stuff, yes, but it's got a really fun "Monty Python Meets Rocky and Bullwinkle" thing going for it, with maybe a dash of "Get Smart".

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