CAST:
COOKIE MONSTER
ERNIE
ACADEMIC – played by Dave Anderson
VOICE OFF

PROPS: Cookies, Cauliflower, Cabbage, Carrots, Harmonica

SCENE 1

LIGHTS UP

SOUND CUE – Music from Sesame Street up and then fades.

COOKIE MONSTER – Hello boys and girls! Me Cookie Monster and me here to tell you about the letter “C.” Letter “C” is me favorite letter in the whole alphabet. You know why? My favorite thing in the whole world start with letter “C.” You know what that is boys and girls? I show you! Cookies! Om nom nom nom nom.

ACADEMIC – Cut! Hold it right there, Cookie Monster.

COOKIE MONSTER – What dat? Who dat?

ACADEMIC – I’m from the Family Association for Healthy Living and you need to be a better role model for children and eat more healthy things. Here. Here’s your new approved script. And we cleaned up your grammar a bit too.

COOKIE MONSTER – You gotta be kidding me.

VOICE OFF – Take two!

COOKIE MONSTER – Hello boys and girls. I am your blue furry pal and I am here to inform you about the properties of the third letter of the Roman alphabet, the letter “C.” This crescent shaped letter is my favorite letter, though other letters are of equal value and should not be thought less of, because of the many wonderful things that start with the letter “C.” Here, let me show you some of the delicious things that start with “C.” Behold! Cauliflower. Cabbage. Carrots. (breaking) What the hell is this crap? Crap! That start with “C.” I don’t even say me name in this piece of shit script. Me Cookie Monster! Me not cauliflower pussy-whipped “blue furry pal.”

VOICE OFF – The Producers want to take the show in a different direction. A healthier direction.

COOKIE MONSTER – Oh yeah, let me tell you then what you can do with this script…

[Harmonica Blues Riff]
The Surgeon General has gone and
slapped a warning on me.
He says I promote
juvenile obesity.
The PTA is seeking an injunction
to ban me from class.
They’re lawyering up
to sue my monstrous blue ass.
And I’m so blue. I’ve got those Cookie Monster blues. Oh yes I do.
What can I do? I am what I chew. So I got those Cookie Monster blues.

They want me to be a role model
for good girls and boys.
They tell me not to eat cookies
and pretend it’s my choice.
Well some birds can swim and
you can teach a fish to fly.
But I got to eat cookies until I
get a myocardial infarction and die.
And I’m so blue. I’ve got those Cookie Monster blues. Oh yes I do.
What can I do? I am what I chew. So I got those Cookie Monster blues.

They got me eating broccoli
and leafy green veggies.
I tell kids to play nice
and not give each other wedgies.
But when I’m not on the TV
I can do as I please.
I’m shooting up snickerdoodles, baby,
and snorting lines of powdered chocolate chip cookies!
And I’m so blue. I’ve got those Cookie Monster blues. Oh yes, you know that I do.
What can I do? I am what I chew. So I got those Cookie Monster blues.

They point their fingers at me
and tell me to be kind.
They say I’m a role model, baby,
and I got to tow the line.
But cookies are what I eat
and a monster is what I am.
And I’m going to go all Godzilla on their ass
if they make me eat one more frickin’ yam!
And I’m so blue. I’ve got those Cookie Monster blues. Oh you know I do.
What can I do? I am what I chew. So I got those Cookie Monster blues.

SCENE & LIGHTS DOWN

SCENE 2

LIGHTS UP

SOUND CUE – Music from Sesame Street up and then fades.

ERNIE – Hey, it’s Ernie here and I’ve got a surprise for my buddy, Bert.

ACADEMIC – Excuse me, Ernie, I’m…

ERNIE – You! Cookie Monster told me about you. You’re the guy from the Family Council for Sticking Their Noses in Where They Don’t Belong!

ACADEMIC – Now, I’m just trying to make this show better.

ERNIE – Cookie Monster went on a binge because of you! Last I saw, he had 3 Girl Scouts at his trailer and he was snorting crushed up Thin Mints off their merit badges! You go do your good deeds somewhere else because we don’t need your advice. Shoo! Scram! Get out of here!

VOICE OFF – Ernie, the producers need you to clean up your… errrr… representation of your alternative lifestyle.

ERNIE - Uh huh. They can just kiss my orange muppety ass!

[Harmonica Blues Riff]
They say I don’t promote
family cohesivity.
They say I should exhibit
moral sensitivity.
Why all this consternation?
Well, I’ve got my hunch.
Because my choice of life partners
has got their panties in a bunch.
And I’ve got the blues. The ambiguously possibly homoerotic subtext blues. Oh yes I do.
I got a lifestyle that they put on trial. I’ve got those kinda sorta gay muppet blues.

My life partner Bert
likes pigeons and oatmeal.
He collects bottle caps
which gives him a cheap thrill.
I’m zany and nutty.
I like playing my drum kit.
But because we live together
it makes people say dumb shit.
And I’ve got the blues. The ambiguously possibly homoerotic subtext blues. Oh yes I do.
I got a lifestyle that they put on trial. I’ve got those kinda sorta gay muppet blues.

Look, I’m a hand puppet!
Is your brain on vacation?
I’m not even anatomically equipped
for sodomic fornication.
All this speculation makes me
question what’s going on here.
I got a puppeter’s hand up my ass
what’s up yours? I wonder.
And I’ve got the blues. The ambiguously possibly homoerotic subtext blues. Oh yes I do.
I got a lifestyle that they put on trial. I’ve got those kinda sorta gay muppet blues.

SCENE & LIGHTS DOWN