Again
Every so often one writes a script that you know you will want to share with your great grand children some day. Something that will stand the test of time. Something that, when you finish it, you feel as if you actually transcended your own ability as an artist and have gone to another plane, another level.
This is not one of those scripts.
My prompts for today's script were:
Who: Victoria’s Secret Salesperson
What: A Dripping Faucet
Where: A Glass House
Opening Line: “Watch out!”
and I was writing for two women.
So naturally I wrote a script about World of Warcraft.
Part of this script was inspired by a game my daughter and I do in which we take a sentence or phrase and repeat it over and over with as many different interpretations as possible.
Again
Written for Out of the Hat 8
Renegade Comedy Theatre
Characters:
CHERISH – a voice actress
DEE – a producer
[lights up, CHERISH is in a sound studio with a mic and headsets, a script in front of her on a stand, DEE is at a mix board with headsets on as well]
CHERISH – Watch out! I have a magic wand and I know how to use it!
DEE – Again, less urgent.
CHERISH – Watch out! I have a magic wand and I know how to use it!
DEE – No, more pouty.
CHERISH – Watch out! I have a magic wand and I know how to use it!
DEE – No, give me more attitude.
CHERISH – Watch out! I have a magic wand and I know how to use it!
DEE – Again.
CHERISH – Watch out! I have a magic wand and I know how to use it!
DEE – No, we’re just not getting what we want.
CHERISH – What do you want, dammit? I mean, I’ve been doing this freaking line since lunch!
DEE – How do you think I feel? How do you think I feel, miss talent, when Blizzard calls me up eight weeks before launch of the most anticipated computer game of the year and says, “We want to redo the voices of our Blood Elves, they didn’t test well in Beta”?
CHERISH – But what am I doing wrong? What do you want?
DEE – I want a voice that will give that slave wage gold farmer in Shanghai something to keep him warm at night. I want a voice that will cause that 14 year old boy in Fort Wayne, Indiana to spontaneously sprout pubic hair. I want a voice that will make that computer software engineer never want to leave his parent’s basement ever again.
CHERISH – You want that? But aren’t elves supposed to be happy, cute, cuddly creatures? That’s what they wanted in the Keebler voiceovers.
DEE – Have you ever played World of Warcraft? Come here… Look at these screen caps. What do you see?
CHERISH – These are the elves? I thought this was a Victoria’s Secret layout.
DEE – Perfect! Yes! Victoria’s Secret. Go back into your little glass house and let me hear your best Victoria’s Secret salesgirl voice.
CHERISH – Really?
DEE – [begging] Yes, please!
CHERISH – Okay, I’ll try it. [goes back into booth and puts on headphones] Watch out! I have a magic wand and I know how to use it!
DEE – Better! Okay, you’re a sultry sorceress. You are pissed, but yet a come hither kitten. You’re the huntress, but you like to play with your prey. Sell it!
CHERISH – Watch out! I have a magic wand and I know how to use it!
DEE – Good! Okay, let’s move on to voice cue 167A.
CHERISH – Okay, let me find it… Okay, got it… “Let me know if you see something you like.” What is this line? What is going on here? I don’t get my motivation.
DEE – It’s a standard line for vendors. When the players come up to a vendor in the game, they ask… leading… You’re a merchant, okay?
CHERISH – What am I selling?
DEE – Oh, please, as if you don’t know… Look, same voice as before.
CHERISH – The Victoria’s Secret salesgirl voice?
DEE – Yes, that one. [to herself] I’m going to kill Mark in central casting. [to CHERISH] When you’re ready…
CHERISH – Let me know if you see something you like.
DEE – Again.
CHERISH – Let me know if you see something you like.
DEE – More. Again.
CHERISH – Let me know if you see something you like.
DEE – Again.
CHERISH – Let me know if you see something you like.
DEE – Again.
CHERISH – Let me know if you see something you like.
DEE – Again!
CHERISH – Let me know if… Dee! This is killing me!
DEE – Look, you’re not due for a break for another hour and we still have 44 voice cues to get through today!
CHERISH – But, it’s the same thing over and over. It’s like water torture, like a dripping faucet. “Watch out! Watch out! Watch out! See something you like? See something you like? See something you like? I have a wand! I have a wand! I have a wand!”
DEE – Welcome to my world. Want something different? Let’s try sound cue 79D.
CHERISH – [flips through pages] “I can’t put that there.” What kind of game is this?
DEE – It’s for when a player tries to equip his character with something that doesn’t go in the proper slot.
CHERISH – Do players often try to put the wrong things in slots?
DEE – All… the… time. Let’s try it, shall we?
CHERISH – I can’t put that there.
DEE – Again.
CHERISH – I can’t put that there.
DEE – Again.
CHERISH – I can’t put that there.
DEE – Again. Sexier.
CHERISH – How am I supposed to make that line sexy?
DEE – You really don’t get out much, do you? Okay, let’s try sound cue 882A.
CHERISH – “Ouch?” Just “ouch?”
DEE – Yeah, it’s for when a character gets hurt, but only a little bit. Like when they fall off a cliff.
CHERISH – They fall off a cliff and they only say “ouch?”
DEE – It’s a fantasy world. Live the fantasy. And don’t forget, what are you selling me?
CHERISH – Victoria’s Secret.
DEE – Do it.
CHERISH – Ouch!
DEE – Less pained.
CHERISH – Less pained? I’m saying “ouch” for Christ’s sake!
DEE – I bet every time you say “ouch” you aren’t exactly hurting.
CHERISH – Hey, let’s keep my recreational life out of this!
DEE – You are the one in the glass house, babe. Let’s try it again.
CHERISH – Ouch!
DEE – Again.
CHERISH – Ouch!
DEE – Again.
CHERISH – Ouch!
DEE – One more time, sexy.
CHERISH – Ouch!
DEE – Okay, let’s move on to sound cue 132R.
CHERISH – “Is that a dagger in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?” You’ve got to be kidding me.
DEE – One of the standard female Blood Elf greetings.
CHERISH – What’s the other? “Want to stick your tongue down my throat?”
DEE – No, they are saving that for the next expansion. Let’s hear it.
CHERISH – Is that a dagger in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
DEE – Again.
CHERISH – Is that a dagger in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
DEE – Again.
CHERISH – Is that a dagger in your pocket or are you just happy to see me?
DEE – Again.
[repeat, lights out]
Comments
Postscript -
The performance tonight was amazing! I had several people tell me this was my best piece ever. I don't think it actually is my best written piece, but I think it was perhaps the best executed piece of mine so far. I want to thank the director, Minden Anderson, and the fabulous actresses who understood what I was going for and completely sold it - Rosie Dey and Laura Seitz. You guys rock.
Posted by: ironic1 | November 4, 2006 9:16 PM
I'm sad that I missed it. In reading it's funny.
Posted by: Anonymous | November 5, 2006 8:49 AM
Well, the reviews are in, and Again was a hit! Okay, it was only one review, but I'll take it.
Here's an excerpt:
Writer Lawrence Lee brilliantly twisted “Victoria’s Secret salesperson,” “dripping faucet” and “a glass house” into a hilarious “World of Warcraft” recording session.
While Rosie Dey’s sultry “range” as a female blood elf was hysterical, the crowd really got into Laura Seitz’s unsatisfied sound engineer, whose incessant demands of “Again!” — in a very “regional” accent, no less — had some close to tears.
Brilliantly twisted.
Heh.
I like.
Posted by: ironic1 | November 17, 2006 10:22 PM