Instant messaging, or IM, is not just bad grammar or a bunch of mistakes. IM is a separate language form from formal English and has a common set of language features and standards.

While I agree that when you understand the rules of IM speak there is some standardization to it, it is still at its root IM based on English words. I think this becomes a semantical debate as to what constitutes a language. I'd accept that IM speak is a separate and unique dialect of English, but I'm not sure it qualifies as its own unique language. I'm willing to be persuaded otherwise, though.

But here's the thing you have to know. If you go to see the movie stay until the very end. There's a fun scene after the credits. I will say no more. Trust me. It's totally worth it.

You know, I was a real critic of the idea of going to war. I thought it would be long and drawn out and that our mission was unclear. Were we there to remove Saddam Hussein? Were we there to find and disarm WMDs? Were we there to fight al Qaeda? Little did I know that the whole mission would come to such a swift conclusion. I mean, honestly, 3 months for military operations was really exceptionally fast.

But what was more unexpected for me was how prepared the State and Defense Departments were to engage in their very thorough and well planned postwar operations for stabilization and rebuilding. I know, I was really critical of the Bush administration back prewar and I realize how foolish I was now. Now it just seems so self-evident that if you are going to war with the world's largest military that of course you are going to have a strategic plan that makes sure that your military success can be followed up with peace and reconstruction. It just makes sense, doesn't it?

I was also a critic of us going into Iraq unilaterally without the support of the community of nations. I thought this would make us look like a bully and a pariah on the world stage. I guess I didn't understand that we were leading a coalition of countries and that the world would fall in line behind us once they realized the stability and prosperity we were bringing to Iraq.

And, I'm ashamed to say, back prewar I was concerned that our invasion of Iraq would create a breeding ground for terrorists who would be unified and emboldened by our presence there and that we would foster the very thing we were trying to defeat. Boy, was I stupid.

Also I was worried that civil society in Iraq might break down along old ethnic and religious fault lines and that we might end up trying to reconstruct a country ripped apart by civil war. I should have known that our presence would only stabilize Iraqi society and they would greet us like liberators.

Well, now in 2008, all my doubts back in the build up to war look amazingly naive and short sighted. I'm sorry I doubted you, Donald Rumsfeld, and congratulations on your decisive primary victories. I have no doubt, now, that with Bush campaigning for you and your reputation as the architect of our Iraqi victory you will have no problem securing victory in the fall, and deservedly so.

Zed: Who’s there?

Adam: Who do you think?

Zed: What took you so long? How is it out there?

Adam: How do you think it is out there in the gaping maw of the apocalypse or whatever it is?

Zed: How was it out there… today?

Adam: Do you think I could get a glass of something first?

Zed: What do you want?

Adam: Do we have any scotch left?

Zed: Don’t you remember using the last of it to clean Malden’s wounds?

Adam: That was the last of it?

Zed: You didn’t know that?

Adam: How is Malden, then?

Zed: Any guess why my hands are so dirty?

Adam: You buried him then?

Zed: How about some beer? Would you like a glass?

Adam: Is it clean?

Zed: Is anything here clean? So, how was your journey? How is it out there?

Adam: Do you remember snowglobes? You know how you would look at a snowglobe and everything looks so peaceful and then you turn it upside down and shake it until it’s all just a swirling chaos? Now can you imagine our whole world as a snowglobe in the hands of some cosmic kid? Does that paint a picture?

Emma: Hos... lity

Me: Hosp... t'lity?

Emma: Nope, just Hos, space, space, space, space, lity.

Me: Oh, maybe that's their new slogan...

Emma: What?

Me: "We take the 'pain in the ass' out of 'hospitality.'"

Emma and Simon: Huh?

Then, of course, I had to explain the acronym "PITA." It was what educators call a "teachable moment."

Here's a sample:

JULES: Your pardon; did I break thy concentration?
Continue! Ah, but now thy tongue is still.
Allow me then to offer a response.
Describe Marsellus Wallace to me, pray.
BRETT: What?
J: What country dost thou hail from?
B: What?
J: Thou sayest thou dost hail from distant What?
I know but naught of thy fair country What.
What language speak they in the land of What?
B: What?
J: English, base knave, dost thou speak it?
B: Aye!
J: Then hearken to my words and answer them!
Describe to me Marsellus Wallace!
B: What?
JULES presses his knife to BRETT's throat
J: Speak 'What' again! Thou cur, cry 'What' again!
I dare thee utter 'What' again but once!
I dare thee twice and spit upon thy name!
Now, paint for me a portraiture in words,
If thou hast any in thy head but 'What',
Of Marsellus Wallace!
B: He is dark.
J: Aye, and what more?
B: His head is shaven bald.
J: Hath he the semblance of a harlot?
B: What?
JULES strikes and BRETT cries out
J: Hath he the semblance of a harlot?
B: Nay!
J: Then why didst thou attempt to bed him thus?
B: I did not!
J: Aye, thou didst! O, aye, thou didst!
Thou sought to rape him like a chattel whore!
And sooth, Lord Wallace is displeased to bed
With aught but Lady Wallace, whom he wed.

Commenter 1 - I give tacit support for your love of X, but somewhat less enthusiastic support than yours.

Commenter 2 - I point out certain deficits in X, but affirm Blogger X as having the right to hold that opinion.

Commenter 3 - I don't like X because of some childhood trauma.

Commenter 4 - I don't like X because of its negative impact on the environment, cultural morals, or because X is a cheap imitation of Z.

Commenter 5 - I affirm Z as being better. X sucks.

Commenter 6 - X sucks.

Commenter 7 - X sucks more than Z but Z sucks too.

Commenter 8 - X sucks and Blogger X sucks.

Commenter 9 - I defend Blogger X and cast aspersions upon Commenter 8.

Commenter 8 - Commenter 9 sucks.

Commenter 1 - I try to calm everyone down.

Commenter 8 - Commenter 1 is a self righteous prig.

Commenter 5 - I roll my eyes.

Admin - Stop it.

Commenter 8 - Admin sucks.

Commenter 7 - Yeah, what Commenter 8 said.

Admin - Ban.

Commenter 8 as Commenter 10 - You all suck. I launch into a diatribe against everybody.

Admin - Come on guys.

Commenter 1 - This used to be such a good blog.

Commenter 3 - This is all Blogger X's fault, really.

Blogger X - Meh?

If I ever really need an umbrella, which is very rare, maybe once a year or less, I simply walk into a nearby restaurant or shop and approach the cashier and say, "Hi! Can I check your Lost and Found? I think I left a black umbrella the last time I was here." Almost invariably there is a black umbrella in the Lost and Found and the clerk is more than happy to get rid of it.

Now, for those of you who will immediately say this is unethical I'd agree that, nominally, there is some prevarication involved but, in its favor, I'd posit the following.

First of all, it's sustainable. Reusing otherwise idle umbrellas languishing in some Lost and Found cuts down on capricious use of resources.

Secondly, it passes Kant's categorical imperative. What if everyone did this? Well, that would mean that umbrellas would actually get used and people wouldn't buy umbrellas that they didn't need. Eventually it is possible that Lost and Founds might divest themselves of umbrellas, and then the market will correct itself with people buying more umbrellas, but I really don't see that happening in my lifetime. So, in my opinion, if everyone did this it would be a net good.

Third, it's not like I haven't invested in the umbrella economy. I have, in fact, donated many umbrellas to the glut of abandoned umbrellas that clog Lost and Found boxes.

So be kind to the earth and check your local Lost and Found for an umbrella next time you need one.

• My Artistic Vision - These are always amusing, typically arrogant, and often portend disaster for the next 2 hours.
• Thank You So Much - This is what a director says when he or she can't think of anything else to say. Also often portends disaster.
• Wink Wink, Nudge Nudge - The director makes little inside jokes that you just had to be there for. Your friend in the cast will explain it after the show through hails of laughter. Smile and nod.
• I Have a Masters Degree - Hey, the director spent a lot of time and money getting that degree. Might as well put it to use. Yawn.
• The History of this Play - Blah, blah, blah. Start the frickin' play already.

This page long "note," however, read like a paper on British-Indian relations in the middle of the 20th century when Great Britain was divesting itself of its colonial possessions. When I got to the bottom of this dissertation it was all because of two lines in the play that disparage Indians and how they decided to leave the lines in even though they are "offensive" and how they do "not in any way condone these beliefs."

I rolled my eyes.

I had never seen Blithe Spirit, though I knew the gist of it. Fabulous dead wife returns from the dead to haunt living husband and domineering living wife. So it was fun for me, considering the lengthy disclaimer in the Director's Notes, to see what this Catholic High School thought wasn't worth disclaiming...

• Alcohol Abuse - The characters are constantly drinking and it's a major theme of the play, but, on the whole, apparently better than racial slurs.
• Wife Beating - The dead wife mentions how her husband struck her with a pool cue but that she still loved him. Better than calling Indians lazy!
• Occult Practice - Summoning people from the dead, while strictly forbidden in scripture, is still more acceptable than racial epithets!
• Tobacco Use - Considering the current civic obsession about smoking I'm surprised that there wasn't a disclaimer about people smoking in the 1940s being the social norm, but apparently casting aspersions on Indians is worse!
• Adultery - There's plenty of discussion about infidelities and trysts and indiscretions and other naughty extra-marital behavior which kinda made me blush coming from the mouths of 16 and 17 year olds, but apparently that doesn't merit a disclaimer.

Oh, and not only did these brief comments merit a full page disclaimer, but were the main topic of the opening curtain speech which went on for several minutes. Nothing about how hard the kids had worked on the play or how fun the play was to do. Nope, the director seemed bent on making sure no one was offended.

And that, unfortunately, is what it all comes down to... making sure no one is offended. And, of course, this is evidence of social psychosis. Because we can't control what offends people any more than we can control what makes people sad, or happy, or angry. I mean, sure, it's good to be considerate, but it's a slippery slope to start apologizing for certain things and leaving other issues out. And if we can only do plays that don't offend anyone well, there goes Shakespeare, Moliere, Eugene O'Neill, Tennessee Williams, and, well, just about any other playwright of note.

So, to all the artists out there, I hereby give you permission to make art that may offend me. Go for it.

This too shall pass.

This quotation and the journal reminds me of how much of my life I take for granted. Not that my life is necessarily any better than his, just very different. I assume life is the way that it is because it's always been that way, more or less. His journal is a good reminder just how indoctrinated a person can be to one's culture.

And if that wasn't cool enough, the game was designed by a 14 year old. I tip my geek king crown to you, Anshul Samar.